Reflections
by dawneh
Summary: When Craig realises what he really wants there is only one thing to do about it
1. Chapter 1

Craig didn't know how long he'd been staring at himself in the mirror, it could have been minutes or hours, it could even have been days, time seemed to have escaped him.

But still he continued to stare at the reflection of the face he knew so well. He tilted his head around looking deeply into his own eyes, running a hand across his cheek and then through his hair, but no matter how hard he looked he just couldn't put his finger on what was wrong. He just knew that something was.

As he stared Craig let his mind begin to wander.

His first thought went to Sarah.

Just when he had reconciled himself to the fact that he would never win her back there she was, back in his arms again. Her lips hot against his, her body pressed against him in that familiar and achingly tantalising way that she had.

She'd said that she still loved him, he'd said it back, and then spent a while showing her how much, his hands retracing the soft bare flesh that he thought he'd never get to touch again.

At last things were going back to the way they were before, they way they should be.

As he thought of Sarah, of holding her, of kissing her and of making love to her Craig continued to observe his reflection until finally he realised what was wrong with it, he could see what was missing.

Where was the smile?

Somehow he had managed to win back the love of his life, so why was there no joy in his eyes?

Stepping closer to the mirror Craig whispered to himself, "What's wrong with you?"

Why was there still that look of loss in his eyes that look of regret?

Craig shook his head with a sigh, and as he did another thought came to his mind, another face that he knew almost as well as his own… John Paul.

Craig gasped against a sudden pain that the memory of his friend awoke, a sharp wounding pain that left behind a dull lingering ache. Or had that ache been there all the time, had he just grown accustomed to the feel of loss?

How was it that the joy of getting Sarah back in his life was negated by the knowledge that he had still lost his friend?

Craig ran a fingertip unconsciously across his lips, watching the motion in the mirror as if observing another person.

That's when Craig came to the second realisation that day.

As he touched the softness of his mouth he realised that it wasn't Sarah's kiss he was remembering there but rather it was John Paul's.

His third realisation came quickly after the second.

Craig's reflection disappeared from the mirror as he grabbed his coat and left the room.

It wasn't just John Paul's friendship he had lost, it was the potential for something much more, and he had to do everything he could to win it back.


	2. Chapter 2

Craig's hand hovered inches from the McQueen's front door his courage suddenly deserting him before he could knock.

The faces of the McQueen family flashed through his mind, any one of them could answer.

Tina would be OK, and Michaela she was just a kid so no worries there, Carmel would just give him a look with those big wide eyes of hers and make him feel guilty. But if Myra, Jacqui or Mercedes answered then he knew he would be in big trouble. They all knew how badly he had treated John Paul and he was certain that they would have no trouble in telling him just what they felt about that.

Without realising what he was doing Craig felt his knuckles connect with the wood of the door in a loud rap. He stepped back, his heart pounding, wondering for a moment if he had time to run away.

But he didn't.

The front door opened and the one person answered that his mind had not even let him consider – John Paul.

There was no welcoming smile as John Paul stood on the doorstep. Instead there was a coldness in his eyes that took Craig's breath away.

"What do you want?"

"John Paul, I need to talk to you…"

"There's nothing you have to say that I want to hear." John Paul turned to close the door but Craig stepped forward raising one hand to prevent him.

"Please," Craig begged, "Just five minutes, we were mates once, best mates…"

John Paul shook his head with sadness, "I think you kicked that friendship out of me."

"I know," Craig lowered his eyes in shame, "I'm so sorry, but please just give me five minutes and then if you still want me to go I won't bother you again."

Every logical part of John Paul told him to close the door and save himself from any more hurt, but instead he found himself stepping back allowing Craig inside.

John Paul stood with his arms folded tightly across his chest facing his one time friend.

"So?" John Paul asked, "What do you think you have to say that's going to make any difference?"

Craig shuffled uneasily. On the walk over he had planned out every word, every syllable, it was all going to be perfect, John Paul would forgive him and everything could go back to the way it was. No not the way it was, better, because now Craig understood that what he felt for John Paul was so much deeper than simple friendship. But now as he stood facing John Paul's unyielding expression Craig couldn't remember a single word he had wanted to say and his mind sought earnestly for the reasons that his friend should forgive him.

Licking his lips nervously Craig blurted out the first thing that came into his mind.

"I'm back with Sarah now."

He could have kicked himself that was so far from what he had wanted to say. Craig bit his lip to stop any further stupid comments slipping out.

"Congratulations," John Paul's tone was laced with sarcasm, "If that's all you've come to tell me..."

"No... it's not... I..." Craig couldn't understand how talking to John Paul had suddenly become so difficult, this was his friend, the best friend he had ever known.

"I miss you John Paul," Craig took a moment to look into his friends eyes, they were a cold, dark unforgiving blue, Craig looked away with regret. "I'm so sorry, for everything. If I could change things... I... I'd do anything to make it right between us again."

John Paul was silent, he wanted Craig back in his life so much that it was a physical ache, but he couldn't risk being let down again, not like that, not by Craig. He turned away, averting his gaze from the pleading in Craig's eyes.

"You're the best friend I'd ever had, I don't want to lose that because I was so stupid. Can't we get past this? I can't bare not having you by my side." Craig's voice began to crack as he spoke.

As John Paul turned back to Craig he saw tears beginning to form in his friend's eyes and with a blink they began to tumble down his cheeks.

Embarrassed Craig dashed the tears away but they were replaced by more until he was forced to spin away from John Paul, covering his face with his hands as he shoulders started to shake, his breath coming in sobs.

"I'm so sorry John Paul," he repeated, "I can't believe I ruined everything, I don't blame you for hating me, but you cant hate me as much as I hate myself for what I did to you."

John Paul moved towards his friend, his hand hovered over Craig's shoulder, desperate to offer comfort but unsure if he should.

Finally Craig's distress decided for him and John Paul gripped Craig's shoulder tightly turning his friend back towards him.

"I don't hate you."

John Paul placed his arms around his friend and Craig gratefully accepted the embrace, resting his face against John Paul's chest until his sobs began to ease.

After a moment Craig looked up, his eyes red and swollen, his face streaked with tears.

"Can you ever forgive me?"

John Paul smiled, a real smile, the smile that Craig had missed. "I'd already forgiven you Craig, it's the forgetting I'm having trouble with."

Craig nodded in understanding; it would be a long time before he could forget what he had done to John Paul, how badly he had betrayed him. He was also painfully aware that he was still in his friend's arms, aware of how comfortable he felt there.

John Paul continued speaking, "If anything like that ever happened again I don't think I could…"

"It won't," Craig butted in, "I promise, I'll never let you down again."

Craig felt a momentary sense of loss as John Paul released his hold, looking into his eyes Craig saw that they were now that familiar and beautiful shade of soft blue that he knew and loved.

"Mates?" Craig asked in a low voice.

John Paul smiled again, "Mates," he confirmed, slapping his friend firmly on the shoulder. "How about a kick about?"

"Sounds great."

John Paul paused, "Maybe you should wash your face first, you look a bit of a mess!"

Craig looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. The cold water had washed away the tears and cooled his eyes; and there was a smile on his lips that he felt he hadn't seen in a long time.

Behind his eyes, buried deep there was a look of regret.

He hadn't told John Paul everything, hadn't said any of the things he wanted to, hadn't expressed how he truly felt.

But he had his friend back.

He had the person back in his life that he needed the most.

And that would have to be enough.

For now.


	3. Chapter 3

John Paul switched the TV off with a grimace.

"That's IT," he remarked, "You are never allowed to choose a DVD again… EVER!"

Craig raised his eyebrows, "What?" he asked in mock innocence, "I thought it was good."

"EVER!" John Paul repeated.

"Come on… it wasn't that bad…"

"Not EVER, EVER, EVER…" John Paul reached for a cushion throwing it deftly at Craig's head. Catching the cushion Craig threw it back and they both laughed, it was good to be mates again, neither of them had fully appreciated how much they had missed it.

"Seriously Craig," John Paul continued as their laughter eased, "You have the worst taste in films of anyone I have ever know."

Craig shrugged, "I guess you'll just have to teach me then."

"Maybe I will," John Paul agreed with a smile.

Craig was gripped with a sudden urge to reach out and trace his fingertip along the soft upward curve of John Paul's lips, his heart raced as he imagined leaning forward touching those lips with his own, tasting the sweetness of that mouth. With a flush to his cheeks Craig quickly looked away concerned that John Paul might realise what he had been thinking but his friend seemed unaware of Craig's sudden unease as he continued to talk.

"So what d'you fancy doing now?"

Craig quickly swallowed down his true reply and with a shrug replied, "I dunno, pint at The Dog?"

"Maybe. You're mum working tonight?"

"Yeah why?"

"Coz she STILL won't serve me!"

Craig laughed softly, "Oh yeah, I forgot. The Loft then?"

"Claire is just as bad she keeps an eye on me any time I'm in there. God I hate not being 18 yet."

"Not long now mate," Craig reassured his friend, "You'll soon join the ranks of us adults!"

John Paul aimed a fake punch at Craig's arm. "You're a great advert for a responsible adult," he joked. "How about going into Chester, we could find a pub somewhere."

Craig nodded, "Sounds like a plan."

A couple of hours and several pints later John Paul and Craig faced each other across a table in a small pub they found on the edge of Chester. The bar was quiet and John Paul had no trouble getting served.

Their conversation had flown easily with the comfort of old friends, with one conspicuous absence. They were no longer discussing the one topic of conversation that used to dominate – girls.

John Paul realised that if their friendship was going to get back to the way it had been then he would have to ask the one question he really didn't want to. Taking a swallow from his pint John Paul turned his eyes to Craig.

"So, how's things with Sarah?"

Craig visibly flinched at the question, quickly shrugging his shoulders to hide his reaction, "Oh, you know."

"No, I don't, that's why I'm asking…"

Craig didn't answer instead he stared at his glass with unease.

John Paul misinterpreted Craig's silence and reached out to his friend gripping his arm in a show of support.

"Everything IS alright with Sarah isn't it?"

"I just… I don't… it's just not the same… I don't think it's gonna work out." Craig's words tumbled uneasily from his mouth.

"I'm sorry mate," John Paul replied with genuine sympathy, "I thought you two were in it for the long haul. What's changed?"

"I don't know… me I guess… I just don't… I don't feel the same about her anymore…"

"So, you gonna break up with her?" John Paul tried not to sound pleased at the idea.

"I don't know what else I can do… there's no point carrying on if it's not working."

"Suppose not."

A silence fell between the friends as they both internalised the thoughts they felt unable to share.

John Paul raised his glass, draining the last of the liquid from it, leaving a small foam moustache on his upper lip.

Craig watched hypnotised as, seemingly in slow motion, John Paul's lips parted his tongue slowly passing between them to gently lick away the remaining drops of alcohol that rested there. It wasn't until John Paul's lips finally closed again that Craig let out the breath he had been unaware he was holding.

Craig was suddenly conscious of the alcohol coursing through his veins, of the closeness of John Paul, the way his head was spinning and more than anything just how much he needed to get outside into the fresh air.

Emptying his glass Craig slammed it down on the table, "You ready to get out of here?" He asked.

John Paul looked at his watch, "Yeah, I should probably be heading home anyway."

The streets of Chester were quiet as the two friends began their journey home. The hour being neither early nor late the residents of the local houses were either snuggled safely in front of their TVs or not yet ready to leave the pub.

The cool fresh air that Craig had hoped would clear his head was, in fact, just making the alcohol run faster through his veins, his mind was reeling with thoughts and feelings that he could not control and he realised that he needed to do something about it.

Spotting a bench a little way off Craig made his way unsteadily toward it slumping down onto the cold hard wood with a sigh, his head fell forwards into his hands and Craig whispered under his breath, "I just can't do this any more."

John Paul fell onto the seat next to Craig, sensing that his friend was distressed he laid a gentle hand on his back.

"You alright mate?" John Paul asked softly, "Is it Sarah, are you worried about what to say to her?"

Craig looked up, his eyes troubled and his brow furrowed, he shook his head.

"No... it's not… I just… I don't know what to do." He paused for a second, his eyes drinking in every inch of John Paul's face. How had he known him for so long and only just realised how beautiful he was?

Finally Craig spoke again, "I need to ask you something."

John Paul smiled, "As long as it's not advice about girls. I don't have the best track record there!"

Craig couldn't help but return the smile; even with his mind in such turmoil John Paul could lift his spirits.

"No it's not that," Craig assured his friend. "I just need to know… if you… when you said…" Craig stopped as the words failed him.

"What is it?" John Paul was becoming concerned at his friend's obvious anguish.

Craig took a deep breath, he had to do this, he had to know – one way or another he needed an answer.

"You remember at Hannah's birthday… what you said?"

"I remember."

"Do you still… do you still feel the same?"

John Paul considered his words before answering. It would be so easy to lie. He could just tell Craig that he didn't feel like that anymore, that Craig didn't have to worry, and it was all behind them. They could go back to being mates and everything would be OK. But at the last second John Paul knew that he couldn't lie to Craig, no matter what it meant his friend deserved the truth.

"I still love you Craig," John Paul admitted with a low voice, "But it's alright… I mean I'm alright with it… I'm not gonna – you know – try anything on… I'm happy just being mates… really."

"I don't think I am."

"What?" John Paul looked sadly at his friend, was it really all going to fall apart again so quickly, would it have been better if he had lied after all?

Craig ran a nervous tongue across his lips, "I don't think that being just your friend is enough."

Before John Paul could answer he felt the cool soft skin of Craig's hands cupping his face and Craig leaned in to press the softest kiss against his lips that John Paul had ever known.

"I'm in love with you John Paul, I'm just sorry I didn't realise it sooner."


	4. Chapter 4

"Happy birthday John Paul," Myra McQueen kissed her son on the cheek. "Just look at you," she said stroking his face with tears in her eyes, "All grown up. I'm very proud of you you know."

"Mum!" John Paul blushed as he looked over at Craig with embarrassment. Craig just laughed, enjoying his friend's discomfort.

"Good night then lads," Myra turned and headed for the stairs.

"Thanks mum," John Paul said, "It was a great night... err... is it OK if Craig stays over tonight, it's a bit late for him to be going home."

Myra smiled and nodded, "Course he can, just keep the noise down."

With that Myra headed for her bedroom smiling to herself. How naive did her son really think she was? It had been obvious to her for some weeks now that his relationship with Craig had moved beyond simple friendship. Tonight especially she had noticed all those little glances and hesitant touches that spoke volumes. It was true that given the choice she would not have wanted her only son to be gay. But what she did want for him and for all of her children was for them to be happy and there was no denying that recently John Paul was happier than she could ever recall. His eyes sparkled with life, especially when he mentioned Craig; there was a joy in him that Myra had never seen before. Eventually she hoped that he would feel comfortable enough to be able to share with her the reason for his happiness, but for now it was enough to know that he was.

Once they were alone Craig reached for his friend's hands and they stood for a moment, fingertips entwined just looking at each other.

"Happy birthday," Craig whispered before brushing a gentle kiss across John Paul's lips. "So it's too late for me to be going home is it?"

John Paul let out a giggle, "Well I wouldn't want you to get mugged or something!"

"On the way back to The Dog?"

"You never know. You'd better stay here, where you're safe."

Craig raised an eyebrow, "You're gonna protect me are you?"

John Paul's fingers tightened their grip on Craig's, "I'd protect you with my life" he thought to himself, but out loud he simply said, "Yeah, I am."

"And how exactly do you plan on doing that?"

John Paul moved closer to his friend, "Well for a start I could hold on tight and make sure you don't fall out of the bed during the night."

"So I get to share your bed?"

"As long as you don't steal the duvet!"

"Well there's only one way to find that out…"

Craig let go of John Paul's grip to slide his hand behind his friend's neck pulling him in close for a kiss.

Their mouth met with a burning intensity that several hours of being together but unable to get too close to each other had only magnified.

Anyone walking into the McQueen's living room at that moment would have witness a display of pure passion as the two friends held on to each other with an unrequited desire that needed expression. Luckily nobody did walk into the room and as the friends broke apart, panting and flushed, they moved without comment towards the stairs and in an unspoken agreement headed to John Paul's bedroom.

John Paul turned the lock on his bedroom door with shaky hands. In a house like the McQueen's with so many nosey sisters it made sense to be careful.

As he moved back to where Craig was waiting John Paul felt his whole body tremble with a mixture of fear and desire.

"Why is it that I suddenly feel terrified?" He asked with a nervous laugh.

Craig smiled, "I'm so glad you said that… I'm terrified too!"

As John Paul took hold of his friend's hands he could feel that they were shaking as much as his own.

"I suppose it's a big step," he said staring into the beautiful dark pools of Craig's eyes, "There's no going back after this."

"Do you want to?" Craig asked with a small frown furrowing his brow. "It's not to late, if you want to stop this."

"God no," John Paul replied squeezing tightly the hands in his grasp, "It's just… after this everything changes… that's what's scary…" John Paul moved towards Craig, releasing his hold to slip his hands around Craig's waist, "Scary – but exciting… I wouldn't change a thing." Placing a brief kiss against Craig's lips John Paul whispered softly "And I'm glad it's with you."

Their eyes locked for a moment in an embrace as passionate as the one that followed as Craig pulled John Paul close to him, tasting once again that beautiful sensuous mouth.

The buttons of Craig's shirt seemed to melt away as John Paul's hands passed over them causing the garment to fall open revealing the smooth toned chest beneath. The skin of John Paul's fingertips tingled with electric pulses as they traced a slow path over Craig's warm flesh. Savouring the sensation John Paul's hands moved up towards Craig's shoulders gently easing away his shirt allowing it to drop to the ground. John Paul's hands then cupped the beautiful curves of Craig's chin as he leaned in to kiss him deeply.

His heart racing John Paul felt more alive than he had ever believed possible. Reluctantly he broke away from the kiss for a moment to pull his jumper over his head, discarding it without a glance as he pulled Craig back into his arms.

They could feel the beat of their hearts, pounding in time as their bare flesh was pressed together. Their mouths were pressed together hot and hungry as their lips parted and tongues danced together in an erotic tango.

John Paul could feel his desperate arousal straining at the fabric of his jeans; a sensation mirrored in Craig as he began to grind their groins together, gripping John Paul tightly, pulling his body as close as he could.

As one they moved towards the bed, lowering themselves without ever breaking the irresistible force of flesh upon flesh.

John Paul's hands grappled for a moment with Craig's belt, finally releasing it and the buttons that were standing in his way.

A soft whimper escaped from Craig's lips as he felt the warmth of John Paul's fingers slowly easing their way inside his boxers and wrapping around him with a caress that almost made him come there and then.

Craig's eyes were wide as he looked into the sapphire pools of John Paul's, seeing reflected in them the desire that flowed through his veins. He had never known a touch could feel so good. Never known that a kiss could make him forget himself. He had never known what true love was, until now.

Lifting his hips slightly Craig pushed down his jeans and boxers until he could kick them away before shuffling naked into the centre of the bed, his eyes urging John Paul to hurry up and join him.

Needing little encouragement John Paul quickly discarded the remainder of his own clothing eagerly rushing back to Craig's side.

They lay facing each other for what seemed like an eternity. Not touching, barely breathing, prolonging the moment until they finally moved towards each other to express the desire they had been holding back all night.

Craig gasped as John Paul once again took hold of him, his fingers curling around gently but firmly, gripping and caressing in one fluid movement, a sensation of pure pleasure rippled through Craig's body.

With a single push Craig found himself on his back, John Paul leaning over him with a smile, blue eyes twinkling with mischief.

Craig's lips parted as John Paul's soft mouth touched them, only to be deprived of his taste seconds later as that hot mouth began to trail kisses down his throat and across his chest.

Craig shuddered as his body was peppered with a series of soft kisses and gentle nibbles, John Paul's tongue teasing the hot skin beneath it as it moved downwards over Craig's taught belly.

John Paul smiled at the whimpers he heard as his breath passed slowly over Craig's eager erection; blowing tenderly over the skin and feeling it tremble in his hand. Craig's fingers clawed into the bed sheets in anticipation, hating and loving the way John Paul was taking his time teasing and tempting him.

John Paul traced the tip of his tongue along the length of Craig's cock circling it's tip as Craig's fingers dug deeper into the fabric of the bed, his breaths coming in short urgent gasps.

Deciding that Craig had suffered long enough John Paul parted his lips, slowly covering the head of Craig's cock with them; he took Craig into his mouth.

Remembering just in time that the other member of the McQueen family were close by Craig bit his lip to stop himself from crying out as the heat of John Paul's mouth began to cover him. He felt himself taken deeper into that hot paradise, it's teasing tongue and steady motion threatening to push Craig over the edge at any moment.

A stray thought crossed Craig's mind as he wondered where John Paul had learnt to do this thing so amazingly. But the thought was forgotten as quickly as it arrived as John Paul began to increase the pace with which his mouth moved, sucking a little harder, taking Craig a little deeper, bringing him ever closer to release.

"Oh god… John Paul I…"

Craig's words were lost as his body began to shake with pleasure, bucking his hips as his climax ripped though his body spilling his hot seed into that welcoming mouth.

John Paul gagged for a second at the sudden explosion in his mouth but he quickly recovered and did not release Craig from his hold until he felt his friends body relax back onto the bed completely spent.

Craig's eyes were wide with wonder as John Paul moved back up his body to gaze into them. His lips moved to speak but his brain was unable to find any words to express how he felt. John Paul didn't need to hear the words; the look in Craig's eyes spoke volumes as he reached up to pull John Paul towards him, kissing him deeply, tasting the mouth that had given him so much pleasure, tasting himself on the tongue that parted his lips.

Craig's hands travelled across John Paul's shoulders and down his arms before sliding towards his hips. Raising his body Craig toppled John Paul onto his back leaning over him he kissed that mouth again.

Craig's nervous hands worked their way across the hot flesh of John Paul's body exploring each inch of the soft skin before finally discovering the hard arousal that had been waiting for his touch.

An uncertainty played at the back of Craig's mind. He felt unsure that he could give as much pleasure as he had received. But as he began a firm steady stroke along the length of John Paul's cock the look in those pale blue eyes told him all he needed to know.

John Paul heard himself moan as Craig gripped him tighter, his thumb brushing over the head of John Paul's cock making him gasp with pleasure. He reached up to pull Craig mouth to him once more, kissing him deeply, holding on ever tighter as the sensation of Craig's hand moving against his erection thrilled through his body.

Breaking the kiss John Paul buried his face into Craig's neck gasping and moaning as he began to shake. Craig tightened his grip, increased his pace, until with a soft cry, he felt John Paul come, his heat spilling over Craig's hand.

John Paul released his desperate hold on Craig as his body slumped back into the pillows, satisfaction coursing through his veins.

Some time later they lay together under the duvet of John Paul's bed, wrapped in a comfortable embrace, the early morning light peering through a gap in the curtains.

Trying to hold back the sleep that was calling to him Craig looked into the gentle face of John Paul, his bright blue eyes were also heavy with sleep and in those eyes Craig saw the reflection of the love he felt and he knew that this was real.

Finally sleep overtook him and he lay back in John Paul's arms with contentment.

He had never realised this was how good it could feel make love, and to be loved.


End file.
